


Five Moments of Realisation and One Moment of Acceptance

by GuessWhoNeedsToGetALife



Series: Kissing [2]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Aromanticism, I can't deal with too much depression either, I'm not naming any of them, Multi, Various unnamed men and women, angst with happy ending, aromantic youngjae, but is worried it won't go well, hint: it'll be fine, it's aight I got you, many an identity crisis, no sad endings here, see I do things for reasons, shows the lack of attachment, ya boi gets himself a squish, youngjae's previous partners
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 21:34:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15422058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuessWhoNeedsToGetALife/pseuds/GuessWhoNeedsToGetALife
Summary: The realisation you'll never quite feel for someone in the way they feel for you. The confusion of not knowing who you are, being unable to define yourself. Always ending up the bad guy every time you try to figure it out.Finding something that fits, something that works, something you can /feel/. And being too afraid to take it just in case it goes wrong again.Youngjae didn't understand himself in the slightest, much less this whole concept of 'love' and romanticism he just couldn't grasp.But he did know that Daehyun fit. Daehyun worked. Daehyun was someone he could /feel/. Daehyun was someone he felt afraid of losing like all the others.





	Five Moments of Realisation and One Moment of Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [lover boy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1511105) by [andnowforyaya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/andnowforyaya/pseuds/andnowforyaya). 



> This au originally inspired my drabble, Kissing, a year and a half ago now. That inspiration came from the fic 'Lover Boy' by andnowforyaya from their 'Camera Boy' series and I'd like to thank them for the inspiration for this whole au. A year and a half later I've finally come up with that fic plot to follow my drabble and honestly the idea of aromantic youngjae has become one of my favourite aus since????? Thank you for blessing this site with that au t b h - I hope my writing does it justice----
> 
> I'm planning for this to be 6 chapters long but honestly who even knows with me.

Soft, sweet and slow. That was the pace set and Youngjae wasn’t about to break it. Her lips moved against his own so fluidly you’d swear it was a practiced dance. Youngjae cracked an eye open just long enough to glance across her face. Pretty face, delicate eyes closed with brows furrowed in focus on the moment. She seemed like she was enjoying herself, so Youngjae lazily played along. Hands wandered and lips followed soon after. He found the small of her back a comfortable place to hold her as he travelled to leave kisses along her neck. She let out a quiet moan, delicate, befitting of such a girl. His hands changed their minds. Her shirt seemed like a good place to find purchase, instead working on releasing buttons from their clasps. Hands wandered further. Lips followed. And so it continued, this casual dance of sensations between the two of them.

It wasn’t bad, Youngjae supposed. He took a careful hand to avoid tugging her too hard this way, pushing her too far that way. She looked so fragile, even then, like she might break at any moment. But a good fuck was a good fuck. If it happened to be acceptable to bring back to parents, well, that was only a plus.

Youngjae’s parents were fond of her. A pretty flower, they’d called her. A fine wife, they’d joked. She’d laughed at their comments. It was that same pretty tone she used when calling out his name, Youngjae noted.

She was just the right amount of physical, in Youngjae’s personal opinion. An arm around the shoulder; a hand on the thigh; a peck on the cheek, but never more in public. Hands roamed with an ironic innocence away from prying eyes. She never refused Youngjae’s advances, and he could find little to complain about within the whole arrangement. If asked, he certainly wouldn’t have complained about his relationship.

Perfect, if not for the fact that, after a point, she seemed to stop sharing the sentiment. Apparently, girlfriends don't like it much when you don't message. Even during two week long family holidays.

“I was busy, a few of my friends were there, too.”

“So? At least a ‘Hey’ or an ‘I love you’ would've been nice. I'd have like to known you were thinking about me.” 

Except for the part where he hadn't been. 

“I can't keep up with all of my friends all the time, gets tiring, you know?”

“And I'm your girlfriend, not just any old friend. Doesn't that make a difference?”

Youngjae realised that no, it didn't really make a difference. 

 

Youngjae’s parents had been disappointed at the news that Youngjae and his girlfriend had broken up, but this wasn’t the first time. In fact, at three months running, she had been one of his longer running girlfriends. They couldn’t deny they’d had their hopes up; the two of them had seemed to be compatible and there’d been no signs of trouble before the breakup. 

“Jae, dear, what happened?”

“I didn’t pay her enough attention, or something along those lines anyway.” Youngjae replied to his mother in a flat tone. He came downstairs for a can of Pepsi, not an interrogation on why this relationship had failed, as if the reason might suddenly be different to all the others.

Youngjae’s mother had sighed. She couldn’t help but question how...nonchalant Youngjae seemed about it all. Every time it was the same. It was almost like he just lost interest in the girls he dated at the drop of a hat. 

“If that’s all you wanted to know, mom, I have games that won’t play themselves. Let me know when food’s ready, would you? Love you-” and away Youngjae disappeared back to the confines of his bedroom. 

Despite his excuse of video games to escape further conversation on the topic, his laptop remained untouched. Nonchalant couldn’t be further from the truth. This break-up, this one in particular, bothered him. Not the relationship itself, the feelings there were no different than the usual. What got to him was that one, burning question. 

‘Doesn’t that make a difference?’ 

Her voice rang in his head. He’d given himself headaches thinking about it. It hadn’t made a difference. Even now, he felt like he’d lost a friend, but nothing more. The feeling wasn’t the same. At least, he didn’t think so. Truth be told, he’d never felt that yearning for someone that those around him described. They say love is supposed to set your blood on fire, touches are electric and kisses should make you see fireworks in your head. Youngjae couldn’t tell if it was exaggeration or whether he was missing something. He felt empty, like he’d lost out on some important experience of ‘first love’. He was a month away from leaving for college and he’d never met someone who made him feel an ounce of descriptions he’d heard. A rational voice might tell him he had plenty of time, that life didn’t end after highschool and he’d meet plenty of people in college. 

The voice in his head couldn’t shake the thought that he was missing something, that something was different to everyone else. It was a cold feeling, an empty one.


End file.
